Levi's Super Clean Adventure
by Cutiepoops
Summary: This is a fic about Levi's daily life in the survey corps. From Erwin's "inspections" to trying to share his beauty with the world, Levi has a very busy life. Contains many different pairings. I hope you enjoy it. Will be updated with new chapters soon.
1. Erwin's Inspection

Levi was rudely awoken by the sound of a horse neighing. "Shut up, Jean," he screeched loudly. There was a disappointed "But I'm Jean Kirshtein… neigh," and the sound of a horse audibly flipping its hair and backing out of the hall. Levi deeply regretted his decision to let Jean wake everyone up in the mornings. He grudgingly hooped out of bed. It was time to polish his cleaning supply shrine. He pulled a fresh dust cloth out of his anus and got to work. As he polished each cleaning implement, he gently whispered complements. "You're looking pretty damn sexy today if I do say so myself, madam windex," he said, sexily. He swore madam windex turned a bit pink at this. The door slammed open. "What is it!?" said Levi, not bothering to turn around. "It's just me," said Erwin. "It's time for your mandatory sexual health check, hichew." Levi turned around. Erwin was wearing nothing but his 3dmg and a small green tutu. "Fine, let's get it over with, Erwin…," said Levi. "nuh uh uh," said Erwin in disapproval, wagging his finger. Levi sighed. "Fine," he said. "Let's get this over with, Commander Handsome." "That's better," said Erwin. He began to wiggle his eyebrows. Levi's eyes went unfocussed. He began to strip sexily while humming the tune to anaconda. When Levi's wiggle waggle was exposed, the examination began. (Author's note: My headcannon is that Levi has a little cravat around his peepee. Is that weird?) Erwin lowered his face to Levi's penor. Levi looked away and blushed. "Get it over with, i-idiot," he said. Erwin nodded and closed his eyes in focus. His eyebrows began to waggle off of his face. They slowly wiggled over to levi's manly bits and climbed up his peepee hole. Levi moaned. "oh, ah, ooooooohhhhhffffffshhhha," he said. He came. Bleach spurted everywhere. Erwin got some in his eye and scramed a bit. "ow," he said. "Looks like you passed ur test, so whatevs." Levi smiled. The bleach was just what he needed for his cleaning shin. "Oh Erin," he screeched sexily, "come over here." "What is it, hichow," asked Eren? "I need your help with something…," said Levi.


	2. A Little Help from His Friends

Eren came Into Levi's room. "What is it, Levi?" he asked. "I need your help," he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, "with something." "Oh?" said Eren. Levi loosened his cravat and exhaled in a sexy fashion. "Could you call Petra in here, please?" he asked. "oh," said Eren. He had secretly hoped that Levi was going to confess his love for him, but he guessed he would have to hold out for Reiner instead. Levi waited impatiently on his bed. It was covered in hand-sewn pictures of mops and brooms. A few moments later, Petrol arrived. "Wat is it, heechou?" she asked. "I need you help with something," he said. Before Petra could ask wat it was, Levi shoved his tongue in her mouth. Petra closed her eyes in lust, before recoiling. "Why the hell does my moth burn!?" she asked. "oh, all of my bodily fluids are bleach, Petra," said Levi. "Didn't you know?" Petra blushed. "Oh, in that case, I will try my best to enjoy the burn, sir." She giggled sexily. Levi bent over the bed and took off his pants and thong. He pulled his booty apart. Petra moaned. "oh, your anus is beautiful," she said. "Yes, I bleach it every time I shit," he said. "I can't really help it when my poo naturally comes with bleach. Now, please take Mr. Mopson off of my shrine and put him inside of me." "Mr… Mopson?" said Pertra. "Oh, you mean that mop." She took the mop and shoved it with all her might into Levi. He moaned sexily and came into an empty bottle he had been hiding underneath himself. He sat up and wrote on the bottle with a black sharpie. It said Levi's "special" bleach on it. Petra backed away slowly as Levi caressed the bottle and began to kiss its nozzle. She felt that her highcho needed his private time.


	3. The Majestic Titancorn

Levi decided to spread his beautiful love to everyone. After all, his beauty needed to be shared with teh world. He shoved Eren out of the way. HE was loitering in the hall again, gently stroking his rage boner and sobbing. God, why did he always do that every day at noon? Levi mad his way to the library. Hangee was there. "Hey, shitty glasses," he said. "It is time for my dude piston to be in your lady cave." To Levi's surprise, Hanji did not swoon at his words. She was too busy drooling over a book. Levi scoffed and leaned over his shoulder to see what she was reading. It was a book on titans. Of course. He would need to win her over with a special trick. One he had not shown anyone before. Levi screeched at the top of his lungs to get Hanji's attention before biting his cravat. It looked very sexy. Then, levi was titan. He was 3 meters high. Hanji swooned. "Ooh, Levi. I didn't know you could be titan." "I always could," said the bishie titan. "I just didn't want to use my powers unless it was for something special." As Levi spoke, a ding dong slowly protruded from his head. "Oh my gawd," said Hanji. "A titan with private parts!" Levi had become a beautiful titancorn. Jean, who happened to be passing by the library, was love-struck. "Jean kirschtein likes what he sees…neigh," he said. Then, Hanji and Levi retreated to a private place being a bookshelf and they did it. It was amazing, and Hanji didn't stop grinning in the most vulgar way for a week. She was still overcoming her organism.


	4. Crystal Annie

Levi snuck into the secret military facility. He was so cool, like a secret agent or something. He was there to see his one true love. Crystalized Annie. She was so beautiful and pristine. Untouched by dirt and grime. He loved her for how pure she was. Not in soul, but in cleanliness. Levi touched a hand to the crystal and gently stroked it. The smooth, cool feel of the untouched crystal made him shiver with anticipation. He began to unzip his pants. At that moment, a bit of dust fell from the rafters. "Ah… ah… ah… Hei-CHOO!" Levi sneezed. Droplets of fluid sprayed all over his precious crystal, and it began to dissolve from the bleach. Levi frantically wiped at the crystal, trying to save it, but it was too late. It was already dissolving too fast to for him to stop it. At this point, the crystal was already almost fully dissolved. When It had finished dissolving, Annie flopped onto the ground, freed from her crystal prison. Levi sighed. Annie was no longer perfect, but she was still fairly clean from being in the crystal for so long. Maybe she would thank him for freeing her… with her body. Annie's eyes fluttered open. She slowly pushed herself onto her feet. She looked at Levi with a shocked expression. Her eyes moved down to his unzipped fly, then back up to his face. Levi waggled his eyebrows suggestively and smirked. Annie's face hardened. She pulled back her arm and punched Levi with all her might. Levi was thrown onto his back. A bit of blood dripped from his probably broken nose. He was still pretty sexy, though. Annie ran off, leaving him to stumble back to the survey corps headquarters on his own.


	5. When Scarves Attack

It was time for Levi to tend the horses. He hated tending the horses. They were so dirty. Plus, there was that one horse… "Neigh," said a pretentious voice. "It is time for my hay. Because I'm Jean Kirschtein… Neigh." Levi sighed. He was tired of this shit. Literally. Jean was currently spewing his waste onto the stable floor. Levi sighed again and whipped out his willy. Time to teach that horse a lesson, he thought. At that moment, Mikasa walked in. "I was looking for Eren," she said. "I guess you and Jean are busy, though…" She got ready to head back out of the stable. Levi pulled her back in. "Wouldn't you like to join me?" He said sexily. "I bet my teeny peeny would please you more than it would that horse." Jean flipped his hair fabulously in protest. (Author's note: Mikasa is 18 in this fic, so she is totes legal.) Mikasa stripped. She was completely naked except for her scarf. "Mikasa es su casa," she said, still with the same blank expression on her face. Levi inched closer. Mikasa bit her scarf sexily before swallowing it, also sexily. Before he could put his dongle in her vajayjay, the big red scarf shot out of the waiting cooter. It wrapped itself around Levi's limbs and began to pull him towards Mikasa. Levi screamed. "NO, IT IS DIRTY IN THERE!" he screeched. Mikasa's expression stayed blank. The scarf pulled Levi all the way in. The last thing to slide in was Levi's peener, with a little cravat tied around it. Mikasa was unfazed by the tiny man inside of her vegeta. She headed back to her room. On the way, she met Eren. He was currently engaged in his mid-day rage boner stroking, as always. Mikasa grabbed his hand and dragged him with her to her room. She pulled off his clothes, including his smiley face undies that Armin had made him. Eren was still engaged in envisioning himself killing titans and doing the dirty deed over their corpses. Mikasa slapped him with her now exposed lady parts. He screamed. "No," he said, "I'm saving myself for Reiner. He's so bara!" Mikasa ignored him and lowered herself onto his rage boner. Just as the two sets of private parts were about to meet, Levi popped out and shoved himself onto Eren's dingle. Eren's eyes went wide as his rage boner was given sweet release. Mikasa punched Levi in the face, probably breaking his nose again. Levi slinked off, going back to his plans with Jean. Eren's face stayed like that for the rest of the day.


	6. A Colossal Problem

Levi was hiding in some bushes just outside of the walls. Erwin had brought everyone out there for his special "super in-depth" sexual health inspections. Levi wasn't having any of that today. It always made his pristine anus into a disgusting chocolate starfish. Erwin had all of his survey corps lined up with their butts in the air. They were all wearing fake eyebrows and googly eyes on their ass cheeks. Levi had to admit. Those booties were looking pretty fine with that eyebrow game. Erwin was wearing his 3dmg and green tutu ensemble again. He moved to each member of the corps, stuck is peepee in their booty hole, and had Mike sniff the tip. If Mike approved of the smell, they were free to go. If not, they had to go to a special lesson on butt hygiene that would be led by Levi later that week. So far, everyone had passed, even Jean. "My anus is always clean… neigh," said Jean. "Because I am Jean Kirschtein… neigh." When Erwin got to Eren, Mike made a horrified face. "Shit," said Eren. "Literally," said Mike. Eren was moved out of line to be humiliated. Just then, the colossal titan arrived. Everyone was on high alert, ready to attack. Eren popped a gigantic rage boner. "Don't worry, guys," he said. "I've got this." He contorted into an odd position and lightly nipped the tip of his little sausage. He transformed into titan form. This wasn't his normal form, however. It was a super sexy titan, with two dongles protruding from where his nip nops should have been. Levi was amazed. This titan had one-upped his beautiful titancorn form. Eren ran up to the colossal titan and rammed one penor under each of the larger titan's armpits. The titan blushed. "S-stop that, b-baka," it said. Eren did not stop. He kept going at it with his dual rage boners. During this time, Levi had been working on transforming into his own titan form. He was now a majestic titancorn once again. He walked over to a cannon, got in feet first, and had Jean launch him at the colossal titans face. His peepee horn wedged itself right into the titan's ear. It was too much for it, and it disappeared into a giant cloud of steam. Levi fell into eren's arms bridal style, and the two titans ran off to finish each other off in the forest. Mikasa watched with her mouth agape. She would need to find a good way of competing with her new nemesis.


	7. Spuds and Studs

Levi woke up to a potato being wedged up his booty hole. Again. His scream sounded like a majestic pterodactyl swooping down on its prey. A very sexy pterodactyl, that is. He squeezed his butt cheeks together to shoot the potato back at the butt stuffer, stunning them. "Ow," said Sasha. Levi flipped onto his back and glared at her. He looked down at the potato. It was shaped like a phallic ouioui. (Author's note: Cause everyone thinks that Levi is French lol) "I know that your hometown's mating rituals involved the stuffing of orifices with food, but that doesn't make it okay to do it to everyone." Sasha glanced down at the floor. "I was hoping you would give me permission to get extra food at meal times if I could seduce you," she said. (Author's note: BTW, everyone in my fics is of age, just so you know.) Levi pumped his eyebrows up and down and smirked. "You could have just asked if you wanted to get in my pantaloons, Sasha," he said. He jumped on to his bedside table and ripped his tear-away footie pajamas off in one quick and sexy motion. He was down to just his cravat, and not the one around his neck. Little Levi stood at attention, tiny cravat flowing in the breeze from the open bedroom window. Levi hopped down off of the desk and began to crawl on his hands and knees towards Sasha. "Hold on a sec," said Sasha. "You need this first." Sasha slipped a chocolate donut onto Levi's weewee. She looked him up and down and smiled and nodded in approval. Levi removed Sasha's blouse. "Now you're Sasha Breasts," he said huskily. Sasha swooned and began to drool and vibrate in excitement. At that moment, the door swung open.

It was Jean. "There has been a problem… neigh," said Jean. "Erwin has collapsed. I should know, because I'm Jean Kirschtein… neigh." Levi sighed and put on a pair of Levi's. Sasha disappointedly picked up the discarded potato and ate it. Levi rushed off to find Erwin. When he arrived in Erwin's room, the others were waiting. Armin was examining Erwin's unconscious body. "W-what's wrong with him?" asked Bertoldt, sweatily. Armin looked solemn. "All of his mitochondria started working at once," he said. "A lesser man would have spontaneously combusted, but Erwin has survived with just a high fever." Erwin's face was flushed bright red. His 3dmg and tutu were soaked with sweat. Levi watched as Armin leaned over Erwin's face. Suddenly, his eyebrows hopped onto Armin's face. Armin grasped at his forehead and struggled. Soon, he stopped struggling and fell to the floor. Hanji gasped. "Erwin's eyebrows realized that Erwin was sick. They must have been looking for a new host," she said. Everyone looked shocked. Armin rose up. He looked… different. And not just because of his newly gained eyebrow game. Armin wiggled his eyebrows and smirked. He flung off his uniform. "Who wants to have an orgy?" He said. Everyone glanced around nervously. Armin began to dance, pelvic thrusting at everyone while sticking his tongue out and winking. "Oh noes," said Hanji. "Erwin's fever has gone down. But he won't be able to wake up until his eyebrows are returned. They contain his soul."

Levi knew what he had to do. He dragged Ermin to his room and bent him over on his bed. Levi took off his Levi's and exposed his ding dong. He slapped it on both of Ermin's butt cheeks until they had red peepee shaped marks on them. He pressed the tip to Ermin's pooper. At that moment, Erwin and Armin separated once again. Armin ran off crying. "Now Reiner will never want me," he said. Levi looked confused and also sexy. He ran to back to Erwin, his naked wiener flopping around like a sexy dying fish as he ran. He booped both of Erwin's eyebrows back into place. Erwin opened his eyes. "Are you okay, Erwi- I mean Commander Handsome?" asked Levi. "Yes," said Erwin. "In fact, I think it's time for another sexual health check." Everyone groaned and pulled down their pants. Everyone except for Jean, of course. He was always naked being a horse and all.


	8. Bara Man

Levi woke up uneventfully for once. Nothing was being shoved inside of him. No horses were neighing at him. Especially not after he confiscated Jean's sugar cube stash as punishment for waking up his heichow. However, now that Levi was up, he could hear some commotion outside of his door. It sounded like it was coming from the common room. Curious, Levi changed into his uniform and cravats and went to investigate. Everyone was grouped around someone, swooning and trying to restrain themselves from touching themselves intimately. Eren and Armin looked especially excited. Only Krista and Ymir were outside the crowd, sitting together on a loveseat in the corner. Levi, irritated that people were turned on by someone other than himself, shoved through the crowd. Oh, God, he thought. Of course it was him. Reiner was standing in the center of the group, looking very confused at all of the attention he was getting. His shirt was ripped open, and his extremely manly chest was exposed, nip nops and all. Even Levi had to admit, Reiner was amazingly sexy and bara.

Levi went to grab Reiner by the collar, but there was two problems. One: His collar was ripped to shreds. Two: Levi was way too short to even reach that high. Not wanting to look like an idiot for even trying, Levi grabbed the next best thing(s). Reiner's nip nops. Reiner blushed. "W-what are you doing, heichou?" he asked. "This is sexual harassment, isn't it?" Everyone looked confused. Connie raised his hand. "What is sexual… hair-ass-ment?" he asked. "I don't know," said Sasha. Levi tightened his grip, causing Reiner to squeak. "I know you've been on leave for chronic hotness, but that doesn't excuse you for not knowing the rules," Levi said. "Sexual harassment hasn't been a valid complaint in the survey corps since the time Er- Commander Handsome joined." Reined gave up with a sigh. "Okay, then," he said. "What is your problem with me, sir?" Levi's face hardened. "You need to wear a proper shirt, Reiner. Your sexiness is distracting everyone from their work. Even Jean is in here instead of tending to the other horses like I asked him to. Go get Reiner a fresh shirt, Jean," he said. "I will go do that… neigh," said Jean. "Because I'm Jean Kirschtein, and I am the best at fetching shirts… neigh."

Jean soon returned with the shirt, which Reiner promptly put on. After a few seconds, Reiner's shirt ripped perfectly down the middle. Luckily, Jean had brought a second shirt just in case. Reiner put it on. Just as he finished buttoning it up, the back of the shirt ripped open. Reiner's beautiful back muscles were now exposed. Everyone standing behind Reiner had nosebleeds, soaking the room in blood. Levi was not cool with this. He vomited up some bleach, pulled a tiny mop out of his butt, and started mopping the floor. "Look, I'm going to need to punish you for being more sexy than me," said Levi. He tore Reiner's pants off and licked his back muscles, just once in order to remember them. Levi transformed into a titancorn and rammed his titan wiggle waggle up Reiner's booty, sexily. Reiner's face turned bright red. "NO!" he shouted. "You're draining my bara powers! A bara can never be on the receiving end!" Reiner's muscles slowly shrunk. His chin become more round. His peenor shrunk down to average size. Reiner was now an average looking man. The crowd, disappointed in this development, dissipated. Levi pushed Reiner back off of his dongle and left, heading off to get some food. Reiner looked to Krista, who was currently engaged in mutual booby fondling with Ymir. He sighed and headed back to his room to hide.


	9. The Annie Returns

Levi awoke to… a bike horn? He had fallen asleep in his uniform last night after attempting to chug a mug of Viagra-laced chai tea. He jumped out of bed and ran out into the hallway to see what was going on. "Who the hell is honking that bike horn?" he said. Connie looked confused? "Bi-corn?" he asked. "Like your titan form, hichew?" Levi scoffed and did a sexy hair flip. "Honestly, Connie, I'm omnisexual," said Levi. "I don't discriminate by anything. Not even..." Levi waggled his eyebrows as he said this last part, "Species." Connie just stood there, looking vaguely worried. "Oh, and I said bike. Horn," said Levi. Levi swore he could see a light bulb appear over Connie's head as he said this. "Oh, that was Sasha," he said. "She's on titan alert duty right now. If a titan is spotted within the walls, she's supposed to… oh. She's supposed to honk the horn. Shit." The two men ran outside to see what was going on. The others had already gathered there. Sasha was in the middle of the crowd, honking her bike horn and wearing cone boobs and a giant hoop skirt for some reason. It was probably the new titan alert uniform. Erwin kept changing them.

"Oh good," said Erwin. "You're here. The female titan has reappeared within the walls. I had heard that Annie had disappeared from her holding room, but I didn't think she would resurface so soon." Levi looked down at the ground in embarrassment and kicked an acorn around. "Levi, I would like you to go take care of this. That new titan power you discovered at our last titan bowling outing should be enough to take care of the problem." Levi nodded and used his 3dmg to propel himself over to the rampaging titan. Annie was using a large tree to etch something into the street. When Levi got closer, he saw it was a sexual harassment complaint against the survey corps. God, why did no one remember the new rules? He flung himself up to a roof at Annie's eye level and bit his cravat. He flew up into the air, surrounded by a pillar of light. His clothes disappeared, and he morphed into a titancorn.

"Hey, Annie," he said, "Are you okay?" Annie looked at him and rolled her gigantic titan eyes. Now that he had Annie's attention, he shot a beam of pink light out of his titan doodle. Annie put her hands up to her cheeks and squeed. "Oh, Levi, you're soooo sexy," she said in a high pitched voice very uncharacteristic for a titan. A pink light shone between her legs, and she grew a magical titan cooter. Levi launched himself between her legs and put his noodle in her vajoodle. Both titans became one and simultaneously came. They instantly reverted back to human form and started falling. Levi caught Annie and shot his 3dmg onto a building, saving them. Annie looked at Levi. She looked like she wanted to slap him, but she just looked away and blushed before calling him a b-baka and running off. Levi smiled smugly. This was another job well-done for the sexiest heichoochoo alive.


	10. Freckle Fever

Levi was drinking some tea in his office out of one of the special handle-free cups he had made. What the hell were those things even supposed to be used for, anyway. Suddenly, the door flew open. "Neigh, it is I, Jean Kirstein," said Jean. Levi groaned. "How many times have I told you not to kick the door open, Jean," he said. "I can only have the hoof prints sanded off so many times." Jean snorted. "There's no time for that, neighchou!" he said. "Marco… is back!" Levi was confused. Who the hell was Marco? Well, whatever, it seemed that something important was happening, and Levi was not about to let his sexy self miss out on it. He followed Jean to Hanji's makeshift lab.

Hanji was standing next to one of those cold metal tables. There was something human-shaped under the sheet. The rest of the survey corps was gathered in the room, silently waiting. Except for Reiner, who hadn't stopped doing squats since that whole de-barafying incident, and Eren, who was stroking his rage boner like usual. "Shitty glasses, what's going on here?" asked Levi, flipping his cravat into the air in a dramatic fashion. Hanji flung herself around to face him. She was grinning like she had just captured a new titan or something. "Well, Levi, we don't always burn the bodies," she said. "Sometimes Er- Commander Handsome has them brought here and frozen for me to work on. I was thinking of building some sort of giant sentient robot to fight the titans with them, but that didn't really pan out…" Hanji looked sad for a second before excitedly continuing. "However, we did manage to create THIS!" She said, pulling the sheet part of the way off of the table and gesturing to the figure under it. It was an incredibly freckly man, or half of one. "What kind of half-assed shit is this?" asked Levi. Hanji's smile grew as she pulled the sheet the rest of the way off. The other half of the man's body was some sort of machine! "He's a cyborg," said Hanji, "and also our newest recruit."

Everyone in the room, except for Erwin, who had already known about this, gasped as the man sat up. "Hey guys," said Marco adorably, "I'm back I guess." Connie raised his hand. "Why does the robot part have freckles?" he asked. Hanji looked confused. "I didn't put those there," she said. Sasha screamed. "Armin, what's wrong with your face!?" she yelled. Everyone turned to look. Armin had freckles! Everyone glanced at each other nervously to find that it wasn't just Armin. Everyone had freckles now. Even Jean had freckle-like spots on his fur. Eren's rage boner was even afflicted with the adorable spots. Ymir and Krista were immune, though. Ymir already had freckles, and Krista was under her protection. More specifically, the lesbian magic of the pair protected her. Levi grabbed Marco by the half-collar. "What the hell is going on!?" he screamed, sounding like a majestic, and sexy, t-rex roaring at its prey. Levi was pissed. The freckles on his face had replaced his sexiness with… cuteness. Marco shrugged. Erwin stepped forward. "I have seen this before," he said. "Freckle fever. It spreads when a freckly person is very happy. The only way to reverse it… is to be touched by that person's banana hammer." Everyone gasped in horror, except for Jean, who neighed in not horror. "Oh," said Sasha, interrupting the gasping, "and you can also get some kind of special cute powers if you rub that person's nip nops while singing a song about potatoes." The others seemed pretty skeptical about that last bit. "Well, let's get this over with than," said Hanji. She pulled down Marco's singular pant and exposed his sex cannon. Everyone rubbed their faces on it as Marco blushed in embarrassment. When it was time for the final person, Erwin, to take his turn, he simply gave the little sausage one swift stroke, causing Marco to splurt adorable speckled babby batter everywhere. Everyone went back to their own business like nothing had happened, except for Jean, who was showing Marco to his new home with him in the stables.


End file.
